Sunday, May 25, 2008

Bear Grylls = the MAN

I can’t understand why Survivorman with that bald guy is still on, especially considering that Discovery has Bear fucking Grylls. I can think of at least five reasons Bear Grylls is cooler than the bald guy…

1. Everyone likes Bear better: I have a couple of friends that think Survivorman educates better, but almost all of them agree that Bear is way cooler. He was a British Navy SEAL, he climbed Everest, and he can do like 100 push-ups on cue. I swear in every episode the guy busts out 50 push-ups and 20 chin-ups shirtless just for the hell of it. It’s fucking awesome. How many push-ups do you think Survivorbaldman can do? Probably only like 20, on a good day.

2. Bear keeps it short, sweet, and entertaining: Survivorman whines like every episode how lonely he is and how depressing survival is, as though he’s not getting paid to do it! Look, buddy, you don’t want to survive in the wild for a few days, then don’t! No one is forcing you to! Bear on the other hand gets out there, smiles and laughs the whole time, kicks nature’s ass, and beats hypothermia 100 times per trip. Survivorman wanders around and takes 10 hours to build a shelter whereas Bear does it all in 4 hours, including climbing vines and trees to reach extra-strong hammock material. I mean, I’m sure survival sucks. I can’t imagine being away from good food and friends for so long... but if you’re making a television show, make it entertaining.

3. Bear arrives with nothing: Bald guy always has extra "everyday items" like a matchbook, a bag to catch water in, a can of tuna, and some fishing line. When Bear does his thing, he just swims up to an island, spears some fish, runs around for a few hours showing us cool tips, then builds a raft solo and fucking wings it back home. He uses nothing but a survival knife to make it out, and gets so much more done in the process.

4. The show isn’t produced like a piece of shit: Everything about the production quality on Man vs. Wild is better than Survivorman. The camera angles, the tips, the action (HE TOOK ON A FUCKING BEAR AND WON, whereas bald dude ran from a panther)… it’s just such a better show in terms of production quality. Someone told me that this is because Survivorman is done entirely by the bald dude filming himself, which I guess is cool. Really though, if there’s no crew with him, then why wasn’t he doing this before Discovery Channel called him? Obviously, there's a health and safety crew around (which is totally reasonable, since he's out where people can't live). Also, during the show there are always a few shots of him walking away from the camera up a cliff face or whatever. How does he get those shots but with a fucking cameraman? Exactly.

5. Bear drinks his own piss and doesn’t complain: Every show, bald dude eats a few crawfish or whatever and bitches about eating animals and how much he loves nature. If he loves nature so much, why is he leaving camera gear, human-made shelters, and firepits lying around the forest every episode? Isn’t that unnatural? Bear says nothing more than “It will be unpleasant, but I’ll have to drink my own urine if I want to survive” and then chugs that shit like a champ. He’s hellacool.

Anyway, there are probably a million more reasons, which is why I can not imagine how Survivorman has lasted so long as a clone of a better show. It’s just dumb. I’m guessing it’s because there are so few others out there willing to even try to be as cool as Bear Grylls. I guess I’ll give the bald dude some credit for that – at least he’s trying to be as ace as Bear.

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